So…the last couple of hours have been interesting… I’m going to tell the story the way I experienced it …for dramatic effect…

6:45 PM: Eric lets Jackson out front (even though he usually goes out back) and checks the mail and brings in a box from Amazon that was on the porch. I pay no attention to anything because I’m cleaning Ritter up from dinner.

Eric takes Ritter and starts his bath and I continue cleaning up and straightening the house as I usually do. I’m talking to Lindsay​ on the phone and I hear the dog scratching at the door. I go to let him in and I look down and the porch has (what looks like) wet paw prints all over it. It didn’t rain here and the ground was dry. I’m like…why is the porch wet? Where did this water come from? I look down and half of the doormat appears to be soaked. Just half. Then upon closer examination I realize that the “water” doesn’t appear to be looking like water at all. Then I step out onto the porch and almost bust my ass (think Joe Pesci in Home Alone when he steps out onto the frozen stairs – I shit you not – feet went everywhere and I was scrambling to stay upright). So at this point I realize this ISN’T water. But what the heck is it? I tell Lindsay “I think my dog has gotten into something…let me call you back.” And I hang up the phone.

So I’m walking around the porch in this “water like” greasy substance trying my DAMNEDEST to figure out what it is and then I went “OH SHIT THE DOG IS INSIDE” ….so I walk in and Jackson has tracked whatever this stuff is ALL over my house. Rugs, hardwood, and that infamous black and white tile kitchen floor. So I throw him back outside and stand there…completely puzzled… Then I realized my hand was greasy…the door handle was greasy…I smell my hand…it smells like coconuts. WHAT THE EFF IS GOING ON????

I run into the bathroom and tell Eric what I’m experiencing and he goes “oh well when I brought that Amazon box in I realized it was wet.” Wet? wet? And you didn’t tell me? And you just sat it on the table?  I go to the amazon box and it is SOAKED. It wasn’t just a little damp y’all. My husband brought a box completely soaked, even DRIPPING, in melted coconut oil into my house and didn’t realize it.  Yep.  COCONUT OIL!  It was even on his hands (obviously because it was on the door handle) and he didn’t even realize it.  This gives new meaning to the whole “men don’t pay attention” thing.  He was even like “I knew I smelled coconut!” OY!

I grab the box off of my dining room table and notice that there’s literally a PUDDLE of this shit under the box. I take it to the kitchen sink and open it and, yep, the lid of a jar of coconut oil was cracked and coconut oil was on EVERYTHING… even, sadly, sweet Ansley’s Miller’s birthday gift.  In case you’re not familiar with coconut oil:  In the jar it is a white-ish, somewhat solid substance, but melts very easily at 76 degrees.  It’s perfectly clear when melted so it looks like water.  So yeah, it was hotter than 76 degrees today so it basically looked like a jar of water.  The lid was cracked and 2/3 of it had leaked out.

So in the short amount of time that this box (and my coconut oil covered dog) were in the house before I realized what was going on, coconut oil managed to find its way to every surface in my house.  I decided to tackle the porch and stairs first because if I clean the inside of the house and we step outside (or the dog steps outside), we track it back in.  I sopped up as much as I could off the porch with dry paper towels and then mopped over and over and over with Mr. Clean trying to cut the grease.  After about 3 moppings I grabbed some old t-shirts and put them under my feet and just scooted my ass around all over the porch until I felt like I had gotten as much as I could.  There is still a fine greasy sheen on the porch.  I had to do each step as well…you could literally see every little spot that Jackson had walked.  I wish so badly I had taken pictures at this point.  Can y’all imagine people driving by and going “who is that crazy over there MOPPING her front porch?!?!”

NOTE*** it was super noticeable on the porch and steps because they are like painted concrete so it’s not like it’s wooden or brick where it would, in some way, just soak in.  It just sat on top and smeared everywhere and was SO slippery.  I had to get it up.

Even though it was super noticeable and easy to see on the porch, steps, rug, and my kitchen floor…it was almost impossible to see on the hardwood (most stuff is I guess).  Y’all…  I swear I ended up mopping like 4 times only to discover more places where it had been tracked.  I had to get down and hand mop the kitchen floor and I had to go over it like 3 times because it just kept streaking.  So I get all of this done, go to the bathroom, go back in the kitchen, look down, and BAM, it’s all over the floor again!  GRRRR!  Because before I realized what it was, I initially came into the house and walked straight into the bathroom.  So it’s all over our bathroom rug, the living room rug, etc.  So every time I walk on those rugs I get it back onto my shoes again!  How am I going to clean this out of the living room rug?  We are going to keep tracking this shit ALL over the house for days.

Meanwhile…I had put Jackson out back.  So after I get all of this cleaned up I open the back door only the discover he’s tracked it all up and down the back steps.  So here I go with the dry t-shirts and Mr. Clean again.  Then I realized we had to get it OFF the dog somehow so once Ritter was down I sent Eric out there with an organic cleaner and baby wipes to clean the dog’s feet.

So by the time this is all said and done it’s like 9pm.  Yeah.  Needless to say we got Rojo takeout for dinner and I just finished eating.  And there’s still coconut oil on everything.  I’m trying really hard to laugh about this.  My day was really crappy and this was just the icing on the cake.