Life can change so fast. It may seem we are in such a bad place or things are so uncertain, and one thing happens that completely changes the trajectory of how life is going. And on the other hand, one thing can happen to completely devastate us or send our world spinning before we even know what hit us.
But more often, change is slow and constant. There’s a line in the movie Life As A House that says “sometimes change can be so constant that you don’t realize things are better, or worse, until they are.” It’s so true and happy and sad all at once. I love to use this example when talking to people about the process of therapy. People come and see me week after week and, before they even know it, they wake up and realize things are better. They realize they are making better decisions, thinking more positively, or letting go of anger. Alot of times they seem shocked by this and I just say “that’s what the process is all about!!!” But change can be negative in the same way…people get in a rut, they lose focus, they stop paying attention to their life, and BOOM…they wake up and life isn’t recognizable to them anymore. So yes..the quote is so very true…change CAN be so constant that you don’t realize things are better, or worse, until they are. I just LOVE that!!!
But this post is about good change. It’s about how dramatically my life shifted when Eric Anderson Craig showed up and how sometimes my life isn’t even recognizable to me…in such a good way. Growing up I always knew I’d escape the chaos that seemed to constantly surround me…but I never quite imagined my life would be THIS stable and healthy at this point. I take nothing for granted, of course, and recognize daily how incredibly blessed I am. When the pregnancy hormones are raging and I am tempted to get overwhelmed with the stress of day to day life, I realize…”there is a much bigger plan in place here and you, Katie Vines*, have to let go and rely on the love and support surrounding you.”
So with all the uncertainty of late; work, money, house, etc., it was scary knowing we were expecting a baby and things might not go as we had planned when we got pregnant. I spent weeks stressing myself out and working so hard to force something that wasn’t meant to be. When I let go, everything fell into place as it is supposed to be. Yes that comes with its own set of uncertainties, but I’m rolling with the punches and reminding myself daily of the immense blessings in my life.
But looking back..I have to laugh because the quote about change is so true…it was so slow and constant that I woke up as this different person, a better person, who doesn’t have to fight the world anymore. It’s an incredibly peaceful feeling.
So during the weeks that things were so chaotic at work, and I didn’t know if I was going to have a job or health benefits, I was a wreck. I was so excited about the baby, but so afraid to let myself think too much about it because then I started to panic about money and insurance and all of the things we would need and …it was just too much. And once I finally LET GO of my insane need to control and fix things, I realized NOTHING is more important in my life than this baby…than it being healthy and loved. As long as it’s okay and I have Eric and the three of us have each other, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. We WILL find a way. And we are.
Our house might be small and money might be tight…but people have made it through with much MUCH less. It’s so important to keep that perspective. So now I sit and wait for even the faintest little flutter of a movement from my baby. I anxiously await every doctor’s visit to hear the heartbeat. Life has changed. So suddenly and yet so slowly all at once. I have changed. My vision for my life has changed. And it is exactly as it should be. This little heartbeat is all that matters to me….
*(Yes I still speak to myself with my maiden name – it’s so hard to get used to hearing the married name…eventually it’ll catch on. ha.)