Growth and Change

I'm not a person who likes change. I typically like to keep my world neat, orderly and controlled. When things veer off of the path I had intended, I tend to feel lost and anxious. Years of therapy have helped me gain insight into my need for such control, and I like to believe I'm much more flexible that I once was...but it still rattles me when things don't go as planned. This is true for all aspects of my life. Recently my life has done alot of "veering" and I'm beginning to emerge on the other side and it's not looking like such a bad thing after all. You know how when life throws you a curve ball people tend to say "Everything happens for a reason," "you don't understand this now but you will" or "you'll be stronger after all this is over" ...or even the oldies "time heals everything" and "you're better off." I've realized those sayings are mainstays of our proverbial pep talk for a reason...they are true. So true. It seems my life has taken many twists and turns over the years that alot of people, especially myself, didn't quite understand. But looking back now...at all of the chaos and crises...I'm able to see how each led me exactly where I was intended to be...or led me to something that would eventually better my life in some way. I'll give an example now...

I had the honor and privilege of being accepted to The University of the South in Sewanee, Tennessee. A prestigious, private, liberal arts university. I went, I stayed a semester, I left. I couldn't even tell you what reason I gave myself or others for leaving. It wasn't that I couldn't cut it academically...I just knew it wasn't the right fit for me. I went next to the University of South Alabama. Looking back now, my reasons for going there were stupid and immature and could've ended badly...very badly. But one very good thing came out of my experience there and that was a friendship with a girl who came to be a very big part of my life and, at the time, was dating a guy that went to The University of Montevallo! I visited Montevallo and instantly knew it was where I was intended to be...beautiful, small, liberal, historic, personal. I would never have even considered Montevallo in high school...it was too close to home and I wanted as far away from my mother as I could get :/ ...but life has a funny way of leading you back where you belong eventually. And as most of you know...Montevallo became a big part of my story. I completed my Bachelors there...went on to get my Masters there...and made friendships there that have been my ROCK for 10 years now. I won't go on and on with all of the reasons why I love Montevallo or what my experiences there have meant to me...although I could...but I have a bigger point to make....

so there's example number 1...why would I leave Sewanee after working so hard to get in...because it wasn't right for me...it wasn't part of my plan.

When I bought the house I live in now, I never intended to live here alone...but here I am and it's okay. I think it's part of human nature...well at least this human's nature...to always want to have everything figured out, to feel certain we know who we are and where we are going. And just when I get to a place where I think I know all of that, life throws me a curve ball and then I'm the one getting the pep talk rather than giving it (as is usually the case). But those times lead to growth in our lives and discovery of our own journey. They open our eyes to things and humble us a bit. And after this most recent period of change I would definitely say I have been stunned, surprised, and yes...humbled. I have learned a great deal about myself and others in the process. Most importantly I have learned that the values and principles that I live by are precious to me...more so than I realized....and I want to always seek to surround myself with people who also operate on similar values and principles.

Although this house has been a huge source of stress for me lately...I feel it was meant to be mine...and (this might sound hokey), in a way, has become a metaphor for my own growth and change. It too has alot of history...it has experienced alot of change over the years...some not-so-pretty change...but it's evolving into the best version of itself. Little by little, piece by piece, we are finding mistakes others have made, making repairs....restoring. This house, this neighborhood, has given me stability that I have never had. Every day that I lace up my tennis shoes and head out for a run, I am STILL (even after 2 years here) amazed at how lucky I am. Yes I need a new roof, yes I had to replace the AC unit, yes the plumbing has some quirks...but I am blessed. Every house in this neighborhood is unique, has a history all it's own and tells a story. This area attracts a certain special type of people too...and the friends that I've made here have enriched my life in so many ways...even though they may not even know it. Perhaps most people don't see things like houses the way I do...and perhaps I've gotten a bit deeper than I intended with this blog..but I suppose my overall point was that I've learned change is good. Even though, in the midst of it, we fight it...we don't understand it...and unfortunately don't always allow it to run it's course. Too often I think people become so afraid of change, or uncomfortable with it, that they regress and they aren't able to experience growth and change that was intended for their lives. I see this alot at work and it saddens me.

Sometimes we don't even like to see change in others. Maybe it's because it forces us to look at things that might need to be changed in our own lives...or it confuses us or messes up the way we make sense of things around us. We don't want to look for deeper meaning behind things when others are changing...we want them to stay the way they are...to fit into the role that made sense for us. If we can let go of that, I think it will lead to alot less conflict, a greater understanding of eachother, alot less judging and a little more peace.

So here I am...on the other side of some big changes. Some big changes which, at times, I didn't know if I would survive or even knew how to navigate. But I did in my own way. This wasn't the first big crisis and it won't be the last. But I've learned some basic things about how to handle change that will make it just a teeny bit easier the next time. I hope.

Let's be rational people...

I have tried very hard to keep my composure and hold my tongue through the insanity of the political climate of late but I don't think I can continue to do so at this juncture. Immediately after the passing of health care reform in the house, FB blew up with statements like "THIS IS WAR", "KILL THEM ALL", "REBELLION NOW". I am not exaggerating and if you are reading this and you are one of those people I'm very sorry but you said it...not me. I'm not one of those people who thinks badly of people who having opposing political views than mine. I value and appreciate diversity in all arenas, believe it promotes change and growth, etc etc. But what bothers me the most, are people who don't think for themselves. People who hear something or read something in an email forward and go around spewing it as if it were fact. They only regurgitate what they hear and don't do any thinking for themselves. I used to be one of those people. Sadly. I love you mom but.... I was raised by in a household where I was taught that we were republicans and that's just the way it was, and democrats were bad. Seriously. But I never knew why. Never really knew why we were republicans or what we really stood for. And let me take this moment to apologize to Dr. Kristen Gilbert whom I know valued me as a student, and was pretty sure I had some intelligence in that head of mine...but who had to witness my own ignorant regurgitation of republican talking points without really understanding what was behind them. As you can see, Dr. G, I have finally begun to do some thinking for myself. Anyhoo, moving on...even today when I try to have an intelligent discussion with my mother about politics she gets frustrated and says "I'm not informed enough to have a debate with you on this right now...I have to look into that and get back to you." I love you mom but you do. I have witnesses ;)

So, I hope I have adequately established that I respect people of both sides and have many republicans in my life whom I love dearly...most notably my entire family. But the folks who are taking this to an extreme are ruining it for everyone. The violent and hostile RHETORIC is scary to say the least. And it's all coming out of fear...scare tactics and lies that are being circulated to promote an agenda. Our democracy is not collapsing, our president is not muslim, he is an american, our world is not ending, there are no 'death panels', there is no need to 'clean your guns'...GUNS? SERIOUSLY? I am not going to sit here and breakdown the health care bill point for point or defend all the lies about it. There are plenty of other people making that defense at the moment. My point is the insanity of all of this. Do your research, read the bill, get multiple points of view from reputable sources.... don't just read something in a propagandized email then jump on FB and declare some idiotic call to war. Instead, like Luke Lucas said, get off of Facebook and do a little research, get involved...

I have to make this one last point...

I find it interesting, too, that the abortion issue seems to be such a focal point for republicans. It seems to be there go-to when they are confronted. I was told last night that I support killing babies. How the hell do you know? Because I am liberal, I am automatically FOR killing babies? I don't believe anyone is FOR killing babies. And if you knew what I did for a living you might assume I would feel quite the opposite...but that's beside the point. Just because I am liberal, I voted for Obama, does not mean I am PRO abortion. Most of us aren't. I am FOR women's reproductive rights and SAFETY. I am PRO freedom of choice. Choice...freedom...isn't that what you are all thinking is being 'taken' away with health care reform? You want the government out of your life, but yet you don't want women to have the ability to choose what to do with their own bodies nor do you want regulation and safety of a procedure that is going to occur regardless.

And one last thing... I work with severely abused and neglected children..most of whom were born drug addicted and had been exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero. The mothers of these children were often junkies who had sex with men for drugs and repeatedly got pregnant as a result. These women often had multiple arrests for drugs or prostitution. The babies were born and instead of giving them up, they kept them (without offending anyone I'll let you figure out the logic behind that one). They kept them and they abused them, neglected them...or eventually, as with some of the kids I have now, allowed men to have sex with them for more drugs. These are not made up stories, exaggerated or isolated incidents. These are real things that are happening to children every day and it is documented. Well documented. In my daily life I hear these stories and I deal with the damage. These children have severe emotional, cognitive, developmental and social issues as a result of not only the drugs but the abuse, neglect, lack of nurturing, and the effects of a poorly managed foster care system (that's a whole different blog altogether). In addition, these children are now in custody of the state and your money is essentially paying my salary. I would be the first to say this...if you have had multiple arrests for drug related crimes or prostitution, if you have multiple children, if you have many of your children that have already been taken by DHR and my tax dollars are going to pay for them...then you should lose your right to reproduce. Right? Drugs + lack of respect for human life + you already abused and neglected several previous children = you don't get to have any more...SIMPLE. And I know lots and lots of republicans who agree with me on this point. But OH NO...we can't allow the government to get involved in personal freedoms and what we do with our bodies. BUT yet you want the government to tell me I can't have an abortion or that it has to be done dangerously. Am I the only one who sees the hypocrisy here?

Twinkies, Medicaid...sadness

I don't mean to be annoying with my "everyone should be healthier" spills but this is my blog, dammit, and I want to rant about it so I will......

I am so sick of walking through the grocery store and seeing the crap people are buying and feeding their families. It really disgusts me. I know...I don't want to be that person who lectures everyone about their health...and I don't really. And this might sound a tad...um...something... but here goes. Our welfare and medicaid system is being drained... by many people with health issues related to obesity, diabetes, heart disease, etc. MY hard earned money is footing the bill. So it royally pisses me off to see people who are clearly taking advantage of that system next to me in the check out line with nothing but sugary, fatty, processed foods in their shopping carts. For instance...last night in walmart two women who probably weighed at least 350 pounds each were in the line next to me. I was buying dishwashing detergent and toilet paper as I don't buy groceries from walmart...but that's not the point. I look over and take a gander at their buggy. Soda...not diet (not that it would be any better for them)...sugary cereals, little debbie snacks, chips, frozen pizza, cookies, hamburger helper....CRAP. ALL CRAP...NOT FOOD. Not a single f'n vegetable. Maybe a canned one somewhere but it was probably hidden beneath the bags of chips so I couldn't see it. And it was probably corn...don't get me started on corn. I drive home and see all the cars in the line at the fast food restaurants and I want to scream. Seeing Food, Inc has really done a number on me about food... but more than that I'm beginning to realize a bigger issue that's at play here...NO ONE COOKS ANYMORE!!!! And by cook I don't mean putting frozen lasagna in the oven or browning meat for your hamburger helper. I eat more green vegetables in a day than I care to admit (it's kinda sad actually)...but there are people who get none in a week ...or longer. What kills me is that people think it's hard to be healthy...it's not. I can get a super healthy, nutritious, TASTY meal on the table in 30 minutes flat. You have to know how to use your kitchen...the simple basics of steaming, sauteing, baking, broiling...but for crying out loud...IT'S NOT HARD! I know alot of it is cultural...people eat the way they were raised and just don't have the information. But I think you'd have to be living under a rock to not know that potato chips and Little Debbie's aren't good for you.

Families don't eat together anymore either. Everyone just microwaves something and goes to their room. It just makes me sad. I know I get a very skewed view of society given the line of work that I'm in and the population I deal with...but if my tax dollars weren't going to support their poor habits I wouldn't get so worked up over it. And since I know what it's doing to our food supply and ecosystem I bothers me even more....it's like smokers who don't give a shit what they are doing to the rest of us. GRRRR.

Due to health issues I was forced to cut out processed foods and alot of other things from my diet. I used to be hooked on low fat graham crackers, jello pudding, yogurt, wheat thins...not that those are particularly horrible but they are highly processed and loaded with sugar. But anyway...after I cut out that crap I realized what it had been doing to my body and I was blown away...which is why I don't miss it one bit.

I BEG of you...watch Food, Inc...pick up one of Michael Pollan's books...either Food Rules or In Defense of Food....it's not a case for veganism or vegetarianism...it's a case for FOOD. Real food.

And just on a side note...this was my dinner...a bubbly, cheesy, healthy tomato florentine soup with a little bit of cubed tofu thrown in for texture, protein and joy! Made in less than 20! Followed up by chocolate mud cake which took about 10. Booyah! What did you have for dinner?

A funny....

Yesterday I was running on the treadmill listening to one of my favorite CC boots. I believe it was during Mrs. Potter...I heard a voice, very loudly, in my left ear yell "HEY!". I was startled, scared half to death, immediately turned to look and sorta jumped at the same time. You know that startled jump you do when someone walks up behind you and scares you. So yeah...I turned and kinda jumped while running ...and yeah I fell...yelling "SHIT!" as I went down. Mind you, this all happened in the span of mere seconds. As it did, the voice repeated another loud "HEY" and continued on to finish his sentence: "Hey! Can you see over me?" I realized... no one had crawled up onto the treadmill and gotten right up in my ear...it was the damn taper of the friggin' bootleg I was listening to. It was just weird because when you are rocking out and you hear someone yell "Hey!" you think that voice is coming from the same place you are. And of course I had the volume up so loud that it seemed like the person was right next to me.

After I collected myself and settled back into my run I began laughing hysterically thinking about what others around me might have just witnessed....girl running on treadmill...turns, looks to her left and jumps, as if startled by something imaginary....then yells an obscenity and busts her ass. Pretty funny huh?

Yummy Zucchini Bake

I made this for the first time the other night and got RAVE reviews. It's sorta like a casserole...the almond meal sorta takes on the taste and consistency of Parmesan cheese...oh it's so good. I used Vegan Gourmet mozzarella cheese but you can use any you like...or none at all. I can't take credit for this one...I found it on a gluten free recipe site the other day and altered it a bit. Her recipe didn't call for cheese but I decided to add some. It would be phenomenal without. The BEST Italian seasoning blend I have found is Mrs. Dash Salt Free Italian. It's SOOO good and that's what I used here. I'm going to attempt to attach a pic....it's from the site where I got the recipe...I'll make sure to take a pic of mine next time!

Cheesy Zucchini/Eggplant Bake

2 med zucchini sliced into circles
½ eggplant sliced into ½ inch circles then quartered
Vegan mozzarella cheese, shredded
½ cup sliced Vidalia onion
Almond meal/flour
Sea salt
Salt free Italian seasoning
Garlic powder
Olive oil

1.     Coat the bottom and sides of a baking dish with olive oil and drizzle a little in the bottom.
2.     Layer ingredients in the following order:
Eggplant/Zucchini
Onion
Seasoning, salt, garlic
Cheese
Almond meal
--use onion sparingly and just sprinkle almond meal, cheese and seasonings as heavy as you desire. Avg about 4 tablespoons almond meal per layer.
3.     Repeat layers, alternating eggplant and zucchini until all ingredients are used. End with zucchini layer and topping with almond meal.
4.     Spray top of casserole with olive oil spray and bake, uncovered at 375-400 for 30-45 minutes or until brown.

If you don’t like eggplant, this can be done with just zucchini or a combo of zucchini and yellow squash as well.

something missing...

I woke up and realized I have reached the age where the majority of my friends are married and either pregnant or already have children. I remember when this progression began...it started with Abby as we all knew it would. The first wedding, the first baby. I remember thinking it would be forever until we all caught up to her. But within the blink of an eye everyone else did...except for me. This isn't a pity party of a blog at all...and it's funny because I always assumed this is how it would be for me...school, more school, career, buy a house, obtain clinical license, possibly more school, possibly private practice...become financially stable, pay off debt...meet love of my life then...BABY! And even though I assumed that's how it would be, it is a bit bittersweet right now. I find myself thinking about all the moments in a day...or week...and how those moments would be changed by the presence of a child. The snow...holidays...simple nights at home. I cook every night as most of you know...but more nights than I can count, I stand at the stove and daydream about running back and forth between stirring a pot and helping with math homework. I used to really value my freedom and independence but when my friend Kim calls and tells me about her kids soccer games...or family vacations...or even the mundane things like cooking dinner and having family movie night...a weird feeling of jealousy sets in. Those things, even the simple ones, seem so precious to me. I think working with kids has really done a number on me. I see the result of the lack of parenting...or bad parenting...and it makes me think all the time about what kind of parent I will be, the kind of parent I want to be. I think it has prepared me in so many ways or at least I hope it has.

And this isn't about feeling like I should be having kids because everyone else is...or even that I'm getting old and feeling my "biological clock" ticking...it's this overwhelming sense that I'm meant to be a parent...this urge to guide and teach and nurture...and I don't see it anywhere in my near future and it makes me sad. I think it's also about the fact that my values and priorities seem to have shifted without me even realizing it. While I very much value good beer and live music, I seem to care less about my social life and going out ...and I seem to long more for time with my family. It has also been weighing on me a great deal that I live so far away from so much of my family. Growing up that didn't seem to bother me because I was so wrapped up in my own life but now...I want quality time with them...I want to see my niece and nephew grow up. I think about the things in their life that I'm missing or that I wish I could be a part of. And the biggest reason for that is because I realize THEY need it. They need adults involved in their lives...family to be connected to. I grew up as an only child with very little family involved in my life. I'm beginning to realize just how much that impacted me. It's not so much that I want to have a child...I want to have a FAMILY and there is a big difference.

I guess I'm just in a weird place right now...I'm 2 months from turning 30 but it's more than that. It's the fact that the majority of the people in my life have shifted into the next phase...I so desperately want to be there but I'm not. I want a family to share life with. I want soccer games and school plays and dinners around the table together..girlscouts and sleepovers...trick-or-treating, reading stories at night...... I know I should enjoy this time in my life and have faith that it will all fall into place when it's right. I so value my career and the work that I do and I'm lucky that I get to focus on that right now. I know there is a plan for me and I should relax and let it unfold...but I can't help wondering if this family in my head will ever be a reality.

All Things Me

no real theme or direction...just a place to get out my thoughts, rant and share the occasional recipe!